Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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