I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
