2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
