so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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