Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
