i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
