Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
