just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
