My sheets look like a crime scene.
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Randomize
