im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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