I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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