Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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