Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
