Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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