Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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