i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
