Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
