then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
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