Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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