Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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