i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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