I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
