Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
