ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
