quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
