My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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