I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
