I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
