The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Randomize
