i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
