Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
