I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
