I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
