Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
