I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
