its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
