I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
