Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
