My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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