he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
