oh god the rape fog is back!
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
