i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
