I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
