Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
