The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
My Sexting was not on an AP level
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
