i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
