I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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