Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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