my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
