Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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