sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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