Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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